Saturday, February 8, 2014

IT'S WHERE MY DEMONS HIDE

Just Me - Summer 2008 - Shawville, Quebec
At this point I was still seeing one of my oncologists every second month.  It felt good to have someone watching over me but I hated going to the cancer centre.  Don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate how lucky I am to have access to such a centre and the amazing healthcare but I actually physically react to my trips to the cancer centre.  As I drive closer and closer my stomach gets upset and I always feel like someone has punched me in the gut.  I also start to get anxious and tense and want to turn around and head far away in the opposite direction.  It is a really horrible feeling which must be somehow psychologically related to the experience with the chemo and radiation.  Or maybe I am just a terrible driver!  Either way, it is difficult to go into the cancer center and see so many others that are going through their own hell.  I have to put on blinders and focus on getting in and getting out as quickly as possible.

Some of my favorite demons - Halloween 2008
These visits often left me feeling angry and bitter.  I would go home and feel sorry for myself at times.  It seemed that there were so many good things happening to my friends and family that were positive and although I tried hard to be happy for them it was making me feel very envious, very bitter and very angry.  The demons were coming out. I don’t know who I was angry at.  Just angry.  I remember breaking down one day and thinking that so and so was going away on a trip, so and so bought a new car, so and so moved to a new house and even Mike was getting his MBA and so many others were all getting things and what did I get?!?  I got f*cking cancer!!  I have tried my whole life to be a good person, to treat others the way I want to be treated, to be genuinely happy for family and friends when good things happen to them and to do my best to not cave into the horrible green monster of envy so why did I have to get cancer?  

I have never been overly interested in status and things and possessions but I am only human and on that particular day for whatever reason I just lost it.  I know that material goods do not make you a happy person.  Well at least not in a meaningful way.  But right then and there I just wanted something new and different and exciting.  Something for me.  Something for my family.  A little selfish?  Yep but I had this feeling that I deserved something.  I deserved something for going through this crappy cancer bullsh*t.  I just wanted something new and exciting and positive.  A fresh start.

Renos - 2008
Shortly after that we began renovations on our kitchen and main floor bathroom/laundry area.  It was my design, my layout, my ideas with everything done to suit our family to a T.  We all love the results.  Not once did I complain about living through the renos because it was not so difficult and totally worth it.  Yep that made me extremely happy.  Maybe my wallet suffered but it was a fresh start for our family.  For me.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Bye bye demons.

We spend a lot of time at home because we enjoy being together as a family so why not make our home comfortable and just how we wanted it?  After all, that time together is what I cherish the most in my life.


Demons - Imagine Dragons



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