Friday, December 13, 2013

I AIN'T MISSING YOU AT ALL


Lake Como, Italy - Fall 2009
I guess I never really thought that I would miss having breasts.  All I cared about was getting rid of the cancer.  That to me seemed so much more important.  I had tried to imagine what it would feel like and what I would look like.  That’s a very hard thing to do when it is completely unknown.

Before I had the mastectomy I really started to think about it a lot.  It was a very stressful time.  One night I even googled images of mastectomies and it scared the crap out of me.  I remember closing my eyes and then looking at the images and wanting to look away but then always coming back to it.  Like a car accident.  Why on earth was I doing this?  Then I would look again.  Then it really hit me that soon I was going to be like one of those images.  I remember putting my head down on the desk and sobbing.  It was really scary to try to think about how I was going to look afterwards.  What scared me more was how it was going to make me feel.  I didn’t know what to expect.

My Friends - Brockville, Ontario - Summer 2013
I knew that my husband and my family would love me no matter what.  I knew that I was not going to be a different person because I had no breasts.  I was not defined by that.  However, no matter what, I was indeed going to be different.  I would look different and I would feel different.  How would my clothes fit me?  Would people be able to tell?  Would others stare?  What if I had to wear a bathing suit?  Would I still feel like a woman or would this make me feel more masculine or something?  Like some kind of a freak.  All of these things went through my head but I suppose I knew that it had to be done and being alive was certainly a great incentive.  So I took a big breath, swallowed that lump in my throat and decided that I was strong and I would get through this next hurdle.  I turned off the computer and went to bed.  I would deal with everything one day at a time.  What else could I do? 

Now that I was on the other side of the mastectomy, I was adjusting to the new reality and still not too sure how I felt about it.  Several months had passed but each day brought mixed feelings and physical challenges.  However, I was determined to focus on the positive.  The cancer was gone.


I Ain't Missing You - John Waite


5 comments:

  1. Just sharing this comment I got via email. Thanks MM!

    I can't imagine what you have gone through to be where you are today but I do know what I see today. You a very special lady. You are a beautiful lady, gregarious, out going, living life to the fullest. You have raised two talented kids that obviously love you and will make a contribution to society because of your guidance (and Mike of course) and example. I actually think you should have been a writer. Your humour is incredible and you have a writing style similar to Erma Bombeck. I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable but felt the urge to express myself. Keep on trucking.

    Merry Christmas

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  2. I going to be lazy in my response and because the first comment was so beautifully expressed I'll just ditto what she said and wish you continued good health and happiness in life.

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    1. Thanks Angeline! Hope you are having a good weekend.

      TT

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  3. I always brace before I read your blog because you MOVE me every time! Thank you very much for sharing your personal experiences. ox

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    1. Thanks my friend. Looking forward to catching up over the holidays.

      TT

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