Monday, July 22, 2013

QUIET YOUR MIND


Mike & I - Bridal Veil Falls, Summer 2007
 It was March 2007, post-surgery.  I was heading to see Dr. Surgeon for a follow-up appointment and hopefully he would have the pathology report results.  I was anxious to find out if I was healing the way I was supposed to and I really wanted to get rid of those drains.  More than anything I wanted to know what the pathology report said.  I remember that day I was feeling bitchy and cranky because of my nerves.  In fact I just about lost it when we went to get coffee for the drive and there was a huge line-up.   Mike must have thought I was losing it.  I needed to quiet my mind.

When we arrived we got to see Dr. Surgeon right away. He removed the drains and the dressings and was really pleased with the way things were healing.  That made me feel good to know since everything hurt so much I couldn’t tell if that was normal or not.  Also, having those drains removed was like having my freedom back.

Norway Bay, Ontario - Summer 2008
Afterwards, Mike and I met Dr. Surgeon in the conference room and he went over the pathology report with us.  It’s quite a long report and all very technical.  Basically, they examined the tissue of both breasts and the seven nodes removed from the left side and one from the right side.  There was no cancer to be found on the right or in the node.  On the left side, there was only one teeny tiny trace of cells and everything else was gone!!!  The node that was taken from higher up was also completely clear.  Dr. Surgeon said I couldn’t ask for anything better.  What a relief!  We were so elated and even the surgeon seemed impressed with the results that I had from the particular combination of chemo treatment drugs.  It was incredible that they seemed to be able to nearly eradicate the cancer cells.

Mike and I drove home in a comfortable silence and then I just lost it and started to cry.  I think it’s because I just felt this huge weight that was lifted from me.  Without me saying anything, Mike just looked at me and said, “I feel the same way.”  This had consumed us for so long and now all of a sudden someone was telling us that we were going to be okay.  I explained to Mike that not once did I ever talk about the fact that this cancer could kill me.  I had tried to never even let myself think about that.  I suppose I thought that if I did that it would make it seem more possible and I just couldn’t let that happen.  I always had it in the deep recesses of my mind or subconscious but never, ever did I ever consider it could be a reality.

Providence Bay Beach, Ontario - Summer 2007
I just tried to be positive and always looked forward with visions of myself running, playing outside with the kids, kicking around a soccer ball, riding my bike, playing tennis, or dancing around to music with friends.  I have just always felt so young, healthy and alive that I continued to try to feel this way throughout – this cancer was just a glitch on the screen for me.  A pause.  The rest of the movie would continue after the pause button was released.  Of course when we got home and told my Dad and Sheila and Tasza the good news there was much relief and a few tears.  I was sorry Alex wasn’t home because I really wanted to tell him right away too.  I called my Grandma first and then I spoke with my brother and some friends.

My mind was quiet.  My heart was full.  The cancer was basically gone.

Quiet Your Mind - Zac Brown Band


1 comment:

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