Saturday, May 25, 2013


The day I had gone to see Dr. Surgeon about the mastectomy I had gone by myself.  Mike just simply couldn’t be there and that was okay with me.  I was a big girl.  He had been to every appointment and treatment up to this point with me.  Driving to the appointment was something that I could do because I was feeling good enough that day to drive there but I knew that I would have to come home immediately afterwards.  Some days I did not trust myself to drive but on this day it was okay.  This doctor visit would drain me and I knew it.  The drive to the city and back was a bit daunting and I knew I would have no energy for anything else.  When I arrived at the hospital there was only parking available on the top level of the parking garage.  I parked there and hurried down to my appointment.  When I left my appointment I headed towards the parking garage and this is when I experienced the third of the low points I mentioned in an earlier post.
My Family at the top of Whistlers Mountain - Jasper, BC 2009
Maybe I will call this one “Struggling in the Stairwell”.  I headed straight through the parking garage the same way I had come in.  I had no idea where the elevators were and actually didn’t recall ever seeing elevators on any previous trip there.  I had to go up to the top level (I am guessing about 6 levels) which was the rooftop level of the garage.  It was so incredibly cold that day that I just hurried through and started up the stairs.  I didn’t get too far before I started to slow down.  Eventually I could hardly move myself forward and upward.  I had to sit down.  I couldn’t breathe and then I was freezing.  There was nobody else around.  I was sure that eventually someone would find my frozen body there in the stairwell and have to look through my purse for my wallet to figure out who I was.

Vicky & I after hiking to the top
of Grouse Mountain - Vancouver, BC 2011
I got up and tried again.  I made it up a few more stairs before I had to sit down again.  It was like walking through mud.  I pulled myself up using the railing and went up a few more stairs until I had to sit down again.  This was my pattern and I was crying at this point and frustrated so much because I couldn’t walk up the damn stairs like a normal person.  I was angry that this was happening to me and then I just dug down into myself as far as I could and pulled out all the strength that I could and kept moving.  There was no way I wasn’t going to get up to the top.  This was like my Mount Everest at that moment.  Six lousy flights of stairs it a stupid parking garage had become my Mount Everest.  How pathetic.

FPU at the top of Blue
Mountain - Collingwood, ON 2007
I have no idea how long it took me but I finally made it to the top.  I made it damn it!!  I pushed open the door and walked out into the outside like I had accomplished something huge!  I fully expected a crowd of cheering fans there and flags waving for me.  The finish line!  The top of the mountain!  Nobody was there.  Just my car.  Yes I had done it and I could see my little blue car.   Now if only I could get from there to the car.  I kept it in my sights and moved one leg in front of the other until I got the door open and collapsed on the driver seat.  I was exhausted and exhilarated that I had done it.  I cried because I was happy that I had made it and because I was angry and because I was frustrated and because I had had enough of feeling this way.

I turned on my car, waited for it to warm up, waited until I was calm and breathing normally, and then I drove straight home.  I made a mental note to figure out where those damn elevators were located.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell


  1. so glad you are still signing-off each blog -in good health- how encouraging!The results of that mammogram I had been putting -off -all clear- I too can sign -off in good health- Maja

    1. Hi Maja! I am so happy that you finally got it done and that it is all clear! Here's to continued good health! Sto lat:)


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