Saturday, April 6, 2013


A cold (but fun) day with the family - Bromont, Quebec 2011
 So I headed into chemo treatment #3 on October 19, 2006 thinking that we had this down to a system.   A routine.  This was no problem for us now because we were getting used to it.  The first two treatments had been relatively easy and hadn’t left me sickly and beaten down like I thought they would.  Today was different.  I sat in the chair and as the chemo drugs went into my body I started to feel very unpleasant.  I could literally feel the chemo moving through my body.  It is hard to describe but I felt toxic.  Unnatural.  I had so many things inside of my body that didn’t belong there and I wanted to get it all out.  The cancer and the chemo drugs were making me feel like a prisoner.  Like I was trapped and there was nothing I could do.  I hated that feeling.

Kids and a cold friend - 2003
I also started to feel cold.  I felt cold during the first two treatments but this time I was really cold.  Really, really cold.  I wanted to have a long hot shower and wash away the contamination in my body.  It was just bizarre that I was here in this treatment room with all of these other “sick” people.  How could this be happening?  I wasn’t “one of them” was I?

After this treatment, as I was walking that long hallway through the cancer centre towards the outside, I felt weak.  I felt shaky.  I felt scared. I never felt like this the first two times.  The first two treatments had left me feeling a bit off but nothing like this.  I guess they were right about each treatment being worse than the one before.  I had hoped that the doctors and all the books were wrong.  The hallway seemed to lengthen with each step.  Just like in a nightmare or a horror movie.

Chillin' at the outdoor rink - 2011
Mike asked how I was doing and of course I lied and said I was perfectly fine and when he asked me if I was up to seeing a movie of course I lied again and said “sure that sounds great”.  I guess I thought it would take my mind off of things.  Plus I was looking forward to spending time with Mike somewhere besides the cancer centre.  Also, going to the movies was a “normal” thing to do and we both needed to do things that were outside of this cancer planet that we had crash-landed on.  Going to the movies would be an escape and I knew that Mike needed to get away from all that he had on his plate.  We both really wanted to see “The Departed” since it had just come out and we both like all the actors that are in the movie.  There was a show at 12:30 pm so we went straight to the theatre.  Although I really liked the movie, I felt like crap during the entire thing.  I couldn’t even eat anything because my mouth was bothering me and I had no taste buds anyway.  What’s a movie without popcorn and all the other junk food?  After the movie I asked Mike to take me home.

When we got home from the movies I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in my room reading and sleeping and staring out the window at the tree in the front yard.  My room is on the second floor of our house and I could see the branches of that tree from my bed.  I remember when I first got the diagnosis in August, I was lying in bed and the leaves were so green and the tree was full.  Now the leaves had changed colours and they were starting to fall.

This was to be the first of many such days spent in my room.

Funky Cold Medina - Tone Loc

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for reading and for your support!