Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I'M GONNA LOVE YOU THROUGH IT



Mike & I - Niagara Falls, Summer 2005
We had had just received the results from the MRI.  Mike and I were sitting, a little bit taken aback, in that pastel-colored room with this new revelation that there was going to be a lot more to this than we had thought.  Or that we had hoped for.  Mike was holding my hand and his eyes were all watery.  Maybe it was just my eyes that were all watery but everything was kind of a blur.  Literally and also figuratively.

We were trying to absorb everything we had just been told and were so stunned that we didn’t even know what questions to ask.  Finally I asked one.  It seemed to me to be the only one to ask at that moment.  “What do we need to do to get rid of this?”  I was actually starting to get a bit angry and I just wanted to get going on whatever I needed to do now to kill this cancer.  Dr. Surgeon felt that we should start with chemotherapy first in order to kill any cancer cells that might be in my body.  This would prevent anything from growing or spreading and it would also help to shrink the tumor so that the surgery might be less invasive.  Apparently this cancer was quite aggressive.

Happy Couple - Manitoulin Island,
Summer 2006
He called the oncologist (I will refer to him as Dr. Oncologist), at the Ottawa Regional Cancer Centre.  The two doctors spoke on the phone about me while we waited.  When he left the room to make this phone call we just looked at each other.  My tall, strong, handsome husband looked like he was about to cry and it was breaking my heart.  I hated that he was so sad and hurting so much.  Mike told me that he was sorry because he was supposed to be the one that was being strong for me but that he just couldn’t help it and here he was the one that was falling apart.  We just held on to each other and I knew that he would love me through this and beyond.  This was happening to both of us and we would need to lean on each other.  I could understand how he felt because if it was the other way around I would be feeling the same way.  I knew that he was feeling helpless and just not too sure what to do or what to say.  He had convinced himself that we were going to come to see the doctor today and find out that the lumpectomy would be scheduled and maybe some radiation and then I’d be through it all in a matter of weeks.  He wasn’t prepared for what we had just found out.  I had the worst case scenario in my mind so I suppose that eased the news a bit for me.  Either way we were moving ahead now with the next step in the process.  Whatever that might be.

Mike & I - Montreal, Easter 2012
Dr. Surgeon finished his call with Dr. Oncologist.  They had decided that I needed to see the oncologist as soon as possible and together a decision on next steps would be made.  Neither of them wanted to delay this and did not want to wait for an available appointment.  Dr. Oncologist asked me to come in on Friday and he would see me as soon as he was done with his regular appointments.  The fact that they were rushing this scared me because it made me feel like my time was running out but it also comforted me to know that there were specialists looking out for me.  Since it was Wednesday I had two days to wait.  Again we were leaving with more answers but a whole new batch of questions.  Everything was happening awfully quickly.  I had heard the word “oncologist” before but I never really knew exactly what it meant.  Now I know that an oncologist is a doctor that specializes in the treatment of patients with cancer.  I would be seeing a few of them over the coming months.

We drove home with our hearts heavy and our heads pounding.  We were both on information and emotional overload.

NOTE:  Listen to this song.  Really listen to the words. 
It is amazing.  I cry every time I hear it.

I'm Gonna Love You Through It - Martina McBride



2 comments:

  1. It has been so emotional reading all of your blogs and what you have come through and are still going through. You are a courageous and amazing women Trace - well you always have been of course - but you have really been tested.
    I'm not surprised, but still so happy to read about all the support you have in Mike, your kids, your dad and his wife, Trevor and his family. I'm always thinking of you and wish we were closer. i love the blogs and appreciate reading them. The FPU blog was pretty special.
    'when i think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it's no wonder I can think at all. and though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none, I can read the writing all the wall' (Paul Simon).
    Trace, you're an inspiration. Paula

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    Replies
    1. Hey Hey Paula! So great to hear from you and thanks so much for your beautiful words. I have been so blessed with an amazing family and friends like you. I too wish we were closer too. I always tell people that I went out west with my two good friends and they never came back:) Buying that one way ticket was the best decision ever because it led me to Mike. We all sure had a great time in LL and memories to last a lifetime. The FPU is a pretty special group I agree. Although there are many miles between us, the FPU is never far from our thoughts, always in our hearts.

      Love your Kodachrome ref! Driving into highschool with the tunes blaring....ahh the good old days. Yep we were pretty cool. Lol! We are definitely due for an FPU get together.

      Much love to you the one that has been my friend probably longer than anyone. xoxo

      TT

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